The 5 Dumbest Questions: Rambo, Freckles, and Bacon

Have you ever been asked a question by a random person on the street and wondered, “how did this guy ever make it so far in life without bumbling his way in to a wacky and mishap and impale himself on a spike?” Well, while that might be a once-in-a-while experience, going to Q&A sites is like meeting that guy 7 or 8 times a day, and as the day progresses he steadily becomes dumber. At first you feel bad for the guy, maybe you want to help him tie his shoes and give him a dollar, but after a while you want to slap a dunce cap on his head, send him to a corner and tell him to think about what he just said.

Such is the life of someone like me that has to comb Q&A sites for the finest examples of non-exemplary questions. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of truly wonderful, through-provoking questions out there written by people that want to engage you in intelligent conversation. It’s just they have stuff to do most of the time, and they can’t spend every waking moment asking great questions. But the clueless folks, they are sitting around all day wondering if belly button lint is either cancerous and edible.

The Alphabet

Why, yes, of course you can create a new letter. You just have to send a self-addressed stamped envelope to the National Bureau of Letters and Other Silly Things with your new letter enclosed. They only typed letters to avoid confusion that might come along with problematic handwriting. But…if you’re creating a new letter…you can’t type it in to a typed letter…hm. No wonder the Bureau hasn’t added a new letter since 2700 B.C.

Bacon Phone

Yes, that would be rather cool, actually. Your face would always smell of bacon, so you’d always be attracting the right type of people (bacon lovers). But one common problem with cell phones is your natural facial grease smearing around the screen and smudging it all up. Would a bacon phone have the opposite effect? I don’t think any of us want to deal with the high-level of acne arranged in a small, cell phone-shaped box on the side of your head.

Freckles

Only if they are left out in the sun for an extended period of time. If exposed to the sun too long, the freckles will multiply rapidly. If left to multiply enough, the freckles eventually fuse in to a single freckle that can suffocate a person to death. It’s rather sad, really, but totally medically true.

Rambo 6: The Man In The Mirror

Often. Too often, actually. Some days I can’t tell if I’m pumping some gas or firing a large caliber machine gun in to a crowd of foreign enemies. Some days I can’t shake the sense that I’m carrying the burden of having done a bunch of terrible things in ‘Nam. Also, for some reason I own a ton of body oil and red head bands.

Pee/Poo

Pee is tangy with a sharp flavor on the front and a sting on the back that ends with an ammonia-y musk that lingers in the throat.

Poo tastes like poo…with a light smokiness, like a finely prepared slab of ribs.